It May All Change, But To God Be the Glory
On my way to work yesterday, tears started pouring from my eyes, seemingly out of nowhere. I have been so focused on trying to be strong for my kids’ and husband’s emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing over the last year, that I have forgotten to even think about how I feel concerning what may very well happen in the next two weeks. To make a very long story short: during Steve’s last Syria deployment, he ended up having a blood clot in both eyes. He had to extend his deployment for the doctors to diagnose the cause before sending him back home from theater. The root of the cause is genetic, but most likely brought on because of the stressors of deployment: dehydration, long flight hours, stress, etc. After many months and many discourses and battles, the final decision was 0% retirement and 0% medical benefits for the family: no military retirement, but separation. We have served for 15 years active-duty, come this July. We have moved 7 times, 3 deployments, who knows how many TDYs (temporary duty assignments), he missed both his daughter’s births, and at least half of our birthdays, and three Christmas’s/Thanksgivings etc.
I say, “We have served” because I think that this is what brought on the tears. No, I nor my children didn’t risk our lives, but what most civilians don’t and can’t understand is that being active-duty in the military isn’t just a job for the active-duty member, it’s a way of life for every member of the family. My children miss their dad on their birthdays, on holidays, on dad's chapel and Father's day when he can't be there. The nights when they want him to tuck them in and there is no way to even communicate with him, no way to see his face.
I know that my identity and my worth come from my Creator Jesus Christ, but my whole adult life has been nothing but moves, TDY’s, deployments, Chain of Commands, military time, exercises, ABU’s and flight suits, spouse get-togethers, and squadron functions. We’ve been told when to move, where to move, and which home would be ours, and how long to stay; sometimes given only a few days’ notice before a TDY; and where and who our doctors would be. I remember back when we first joined the military and how odd it felt for someone else to dictate everything in my life; I felt owned. Now the thought of it all going away, I feel helpless. No one talks about this. No one shares these emotions. I have shared this with a few civilians and honestly, the look I get is one of “really?” I don’t take it personally and it doesn’t upset me; I know it is very hard for anyone who hasn’t lived it to get it. Steve doesn’t just metaphorically bring his job home with him. This is the first time in 15 years that we have not lived on a military base. We are used to hearing the Reveille at 10; our children are accustomed to stopping everything and being still, putting their hand over their heart at 5pm for the National Anthem or I have to pull my car over and stop driving on base at that time for the National Anthem. When we lived in Korea, we all had our own gas masks, our own evacuation bags, and our own evacuation plan in case of an attack. We knew that if there was an attack we were on our own, our spouses had a job to do and we were ok with that. We spouses have each other, and are used to doing things on our own. We literally bring the military home with us. It’s not a metaphor.
Speaking of military spouses and friendships, I think this is another reason I broke down yesterday. I realized how lonely I have been for good, strong friendships. Honestly, there is nothing like the friendships between military spouses. I have never had anything like it. We get each other. We learn to be vulnerable right away. We know that we may only have 10 months or 2 years to become family. It’s like when we go to Lowe’s to get plants for our yard. We have to look for the ones that are quick to bloom. We can’t waste our time or money on the ones that say they will bring forth color in 10 years. We won’t be around that long. We have learned to love each other despite our differences, trust one another with what we share, and become family – be there for one another, because we are usually all we have and our time is limited. We can’t waste time keeping emotional and prideful walls up or we won’t have any friends. We have to include each other and love one another. I love the people in Oklahoma, but I have to say, unfortunately because this is the first time I haven’t lived on base, it has been my loneliest time as well. I greatly miss my military sisters. I realized as we are going through this battle I don’t have them by my side. I don’t have any with whom to share this struggle.
On the 29th of June, Steve and I stand before the Air Force medical board fighting for … well, God’s will to be done in our lives. That’s the truth of it. We have no idea what should be the outcome. What would we like? Retirement. We’d love to stay here and let our children finish their schooling at a wonderful Christian school. However, honestly, we just want God’s will to be done, whatever that may be. We recognize that His will is often a struggle we can’t understand in the present, only to be a blessing in the future. We recognize that “His thoughts are not our thoughts; His ways are not our ways” (Isaiah 55:8); and He works “all things for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28) even if it means suffering and hardship. I am learning to recognize that we also didn’t get to live on base this time for a reason. I am in a “valley” right now for a reason. In my loneliness of human friendship, it has pushed me to have an even closer relationship to my Lord and Savior. I have to rejoice in that, knowing that there is a time and season for everything and a purpose beyond my understanding.
We love being in the military and serving this amazing country, but we know that there is no better place to be than in God’s will, and if that means no longer being in the Air Force, than we pray that God’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven. I do ask that you all pray for the med board that they would be sensitive to the leading of the Spirit in their decision, and for Steve and I and our children as each of us are dealing with the upcoming possible transition.
